Letting Go of Christmas

So I'm just sharing what I did this year for Christmas. With four kids, and limited time with 3 of them, I did not want to buy a bunch of toys, stuff  that would just be discarded or ignored after a week. So, I decided to combine all the Christmas funds and buy the whole family a gift. Each kid will also get 1-2 gifts under the tree.

I like the idea of the family experiencing something together, rather then giving kids what ever they want on a list.

I braved the traffic and the crowds in Seattle yesterday to venture out and get find some gifts. But I quickly felt discouraged. Instead of getting a bunch of stuff that didn't matter, I decided to invest in something special and lasting for our family. I can't reveal what the big gift is yet, because not even Forrest knows!

The reason I'm sharing this is because I almost did not celebrate this year. I admit the minute Christmas roles around I can't help but to feel a sense of dread.

So many expectations- and the underlined message that what you buy expresses how much you love someone. I think that's the worse thing about it. I love so many people, and in my heart would love to buy everyone something amazing to cheer up their day. Not to mention the homeless, and needy families in the area. I know there are people who will say "Christmas doesn't have to be that way"- but for most of our culture it is

. There are so many families who are too poor to afford Christmas. Parents feel guilty, kids feel disappointed. It's a hard holiday for me. Every year I find myself being less and less interested in celebrating, when it includes spending money we never have.

I am reminded of all of this as my friend just posted a picture of Target building a Valentines display, before Christmas has even began. I am very tempted not to celebrate in the traditional way next year, and just take the kids somewhere instead. But sadly my biggest fear, is that my kids will feel I unloved, or unhappy that they are not having "Christmas"..

How did a holiday that the Catholic church took over hundreds of years ago, turn into such consumerism? With the prime focus being a guy in a big red suit that judges whether or not you are good enough to receive something?

This is pretty much the opposite of anything to do with Jesus who entered this world in poverty, and came to give love and life to everyone, regardless of whether they "deserved it" or not.
So as a Christian, if I were really honest, I don't think Jesus would celebrate Christmas, because he wouldn't want to leave anyone out. It's a holiday where you have to have money to enjoy it. Jesus was never interested in materialism.
I'm going to embrace the Whoville spirit and count it as a winter holiday. The point of the Grinch is that he stole Christmas, but the little whoville people had Christmas anyway. Same with Charlie Browns Christmas. The point of these early 70's movies was that it shouldn't be about consumerism, but I'm not thinking our culture has got the message.

Sometimes memories are like mud

What if you were starving and you ate mud cakes?
You were so hungry you convinced yourself even mud would
be better then nothing. Today, mentally-I ate mud cakes.
In the form of memories. I convinced myself that life was
better then, back in the days when ______.

So today, I survived off the crumbs of yesterday.
Happy to at least be eating something, even if it
didn't help me now.

Even if those memories took away all
of my contentment for the moment, they didn't serve a purpose.
Or did they? Has the moment become too intolerable to bare?
Has the pain overwhelmed me so much that I need an escape,
if only in my mind?

 Memories are good at times, but sometimes
They can be full of darkness too, leading us to lose the light of today.

en ce moment: Hey Christians, Put Down Your Stones

en ce moment: Hey Christians, Put Down Your Stones:   Matt Walsh is a blogger who is a self proclaimed Christian. His audience is quite large. Millions read his blog. What I like about his...

Hey Christians, Put Down Your Stones

 
Matt Walsh is a blogger who is a self proclaimed Christian. His audience is quite large. Millions read his blog. What I like about his blog is that he gets a conversation going. What I don't like about it, is that often, if not always, it is lacking in any sense of love or grace. Once in awhile someone will call him out, and challenge the way he approaches controversial topics. I have myself. I have left comments too and sat with my jaw to the ground and my heart hurting, to read some of the responses his followers give. Sadly, many of them claim to be Christian.

In a recent blog he discusses a very disturbing story about a man who was once married, had 7 kids, and then proceeded to leave his wife and children. This man who once went by Paul, decided to start dressing and acting as a 6 year girl. He found adoptive "parents", and started having sexual relations with his "Father". 

This story more then makes me cringe. It is a truly disturbing story. Even in the transgender/ homosexual world, there are many who disapprove of this kind of behavior. So what does that mean about our response as Christians?

 I am going to be very frank here. Jesus loves this man. Yes, he does. I read through many comments on Matt Walsh's blog. This is what I saw. People calling this man a  "coward", "retard", "sick", "disgusting", "mentally ill", and so on.

Some of these people do not take a stance as Christians, but some of them did identify as such. Whatever the motive may be, the message was not at all delivered with even a sliver of compassion. I scrolled through hundreds of comments, and I have yet to see anyone say anything about God's amazing love, even for those we may consider to be beyond it. 

Christianity means following after the character and spirit of Jesus. Jesus came for the unrighteous and those that were sick, those who were weak,  the poor , and the outcast of society. The only record of Jesus ever getting extremely angry is when he turned over the tables in the temple. People making a profit off of God, doesn't sit well with the one they claim to follow.

 Jesus also had a problem with the Pharisees. They were the  best dressed, richest, most knowledgeable, and self proclaimed righteous people of his day. Sadly, this is how a lot of people view Christians. Not as humble, kind, compassionate folks- but as judges.

 Why is it that mega churches, or huge religions and sects have so much money, but they never talk about the unrighteousness of it? They can easily point at the world and pick on everyone else's sin, yet ignore their own. It's very easy for them to tear another human being apart, but what business do we have to judge someone, who isn't even professing to be Christian? Is this being the salt of the earth, and the light of the world?  I think the "church" needs a reminder from the Bible.

"For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? But those who are outside, God judges". 1 Corinthians 5:2


  We need to extend love and compassion to all people! The lowest, most disgusting, most abominable person in our own eyes, might be looked at totally different by God. Sometimes that person, is us. That person we couldn't even imagine loving? Guess what, they need God's love. So do we. They need God's grace, and forgiveness, every day. So do we. We aren't exempt from needing God's grace just because we are 'saved".  We need saved everyday, from our own selves.

  There's a temptation as times are changing, to respond with fear and anger. To come out loudly condemning everyone we disagree with. while sounding hateful or judging with harshness. I think this kind of response is worse then saying nothing at all. Speaking the truth in love means having empathy and kindness while doing so, not tearing another human being apart. 

   Something that strikes me about Jesus is that he always got personal with people, he always took the time to talk with them. He did not shame them, but he did not ignore their sin either. Remember what he said when they gathered to stone the adulteress ? "He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone". 

There's a way to love people without condoning the sin. 

Think of King David- a murderer and an adulteress. Noah got drunk. Paul killed Christians before he literally saw the light. Rahab was a prostitute. Mary was an un-wed teenager that became pregnant with the Divine. How do you think she got around explaining that one two thousand years ago? Matthew was a tax collector. 

But God loved them, and He loves every one. 

If Matt Walsh and his loyal followers are so concerned about this mans soul, they would do better to close their mouths and pray for him, then condemn him and tear him apart publicly. 

When Jesus hung on the cross these were a part of His very last words "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do". Think about that.

  There's a message that is being fed to all of us, every day. Its so subtle you can hardly hear it whispering above the roar of life.  It comes from ever direction, the media, Facebook, friends, books, church. It's a voice that says, you aren't good enough.                                                                    
I don't believe that God created us to walk around with a never ending feeling of shame and guilt. Yet we constantly fall short and compare ourselves to others, imagining they have it all figured out. We were created to have freedom, light,  love, truth,  and peace, but in the midst of today's chaotic world, we often feel anything but that.

  The remedy for wrong actions, or things we perceive to be wrong with our own selves, is not to bring more shame and judgement into an already judgmental world.  The approach  of shaming and judging will never work to bring people out of their darkness, or to correct their behavior. 

The media regularly shames people. We log onto Facebook, and there's a politically charged post that makes us feel bad. We go to work and don't perform well enough for our boss. We stay at home as mothers, and feel like we have to do a Pinterest craft, while cooking gourmet meals, and taking care of our kids.  We might have personal issues going on..Shame over our bodies,  our race,  our income level, our mental health, our family..the list goes on. Shame never brings healing, but love does. "Love covers a multitude of sins".

 Condemnation tells people they will never be right, and leads them to give up trying.  I don't believe God ever expected us to get it right in the first place. Looking to our own fragile human imperfections, without the knowledge that Jesus lived perfectly for us, can set us up for failure. It leaves us in a perpetual state of striving.

 Love sees past the ugly and deplorable, the imperfect, and instead chooses to see the heart. This does not mean we ignore actions that are wrong or deplorable, even in our own selves. But we need to learn to accept our own imperfections, along with others. I find when I am most compassionate towards myself, I am more of that to others, otherwise how can we "Love our neighbors" as we "Love ourselves"?

The subject of shame and condemnation is an important one, because if we feel that way towards ourselves, we will impose that same sense of shame on others. This leads to a an environment of fear, judgement, suspicion, worry, and ultimately self-righteousness. 

For some of us, when we think of God, all we can think of is that He is inapproachable. We don't feel like we can ever face an all powerful being, because we have nothing to offer. Most of us walk around with a sense of deep seated shame or guilt. 

 Some of us have experienced very little grace or love in our lives, and know nothing different, and we think we deserve nothing less then to be judged anyway- so what's the point of proving anyone wrong? God's solution to this was to introduce pure love to the world, through the person of Jesus Christ.  Love came and said, you will never be perfect, but that's okay. You are flawed, but don't be afraid. Accepting that we are flawed and imperfect is the first step in receiving God.

 

    

"For if our heart condemns us, how much greater is God than our heart? And he knows all things." (1 John 3:20)                                                                                                                                                  

The Wisdom to Receive

Earlier today I heard something about asking God for wisdom.  At the moment this seems like a great idea.  Divine intervention is always welcome in times of uncertainty, and times have been anything but predictable lately.  Wait, have they ever?  As I embarked out into this rainy, cold night, I thought of the bare cupboards at home, five days till payday, and three mouths to feed.  A familiar scenario in the past couple years. I thought maybe this was a good time to pull out the," ask God for wisdom" card.  I have a book that sits like a paper weight on my bed stand, collecting dust, its titled,"Courage to Pray".  The state of that book speaks to the frequency of my supplications to God.  The fear of disappointment often paralyzes the attempt to hope. Ah, and that's where faith comes in. Faith, the only obstacle standing in my way. So after a moment of hesitance, kind of like how you feel before you scratch a lottery ticket, I breathed and mumbled a prayer for help. Not for anything really important like France, or refugees, or the fate of the world. Just the wisdom to be frugal. Just sixty seconds of unabashed, spiritual nakedness, that left me feeling exposed. There, I said it Lord. Please help. No amen, because sometimes my life is a perpetual prayer for help, although there are rarely the words to accompany it.

 Moments later, I'm walking down aisle 4 staring between the Skippy peanut butter for $1.99, and the Adams peanut butter for $4.92. I haven't bought Skippy peanut butter in a decade. I attribute it to GMO ingredients. Adams reminds me of hippies and  sunny ,organic farm co-ops.  I'm too good for Skippy.   I buy Adams peanut butter only, thanks.  I remember the day that organic milk was a novelty. When the thought of eating Top Ramen became blasphemy.  As all these thoughts run through my head I then remember the limited amount of cash in my purse. My hand hovered over the Skippy, and before I could reason with my inner health nut, I grabbed it off the shelf.  I walked around the grocery aisles forever analyzing sales and prices.   Discounted veggies, tortillas, cheese, cans of beans, and Top Ramen.  There I was loading shiny, plastic, neon bags into my cart- with beef powder in the ingredients. This wasn't the Whole Foods, Disney Land experience.  I took things out, I put things back- all the time asking..wisdom God, please.

 Finally making my way to the front, I chose the self check out lines. Sometimes I'm sure they are there to remind us that humans are better then machines, job security for all the grocery clerks, and I learn this lesson for the hundredth time.  I had it all planned out, I was ringing up groceries myself so that I could prioritize and not go over the amount I had, everything was carefully added up down to my last penny. Beginning to check out, the register begins telling me that an attendant will be there to assist me shortly, great. I stared at the screen helplessly and then  reluctantly eyeball the attendant across the way, he's eager to help and insist that he'll take over for me, even though I practically plead with him to allow me to proceed alone. My plan falls apart. "You know", I said, "I was a cashier for years". . .It was to no avail. He was convinced he was helping.

Let me tell you, for those of us who like to remain anonymous and invisible while in public, this is our worse nightmare. All I could see was the middle aged cashier turning to me and announcing out loud for all the store to hear, that the amount on the screen was at a quarter of a hundred dollars, and which other groceries would I like to prioritize, so I don't go over? Why did I ever try to explain that I was prioritizing because of price? Ugh. Suddenly, I was aware of people looking, and if no one was looking, I was convinced they were. My face turned that certain shade of red, my eyes teared up. I was humiliated. I quickly told him to never mind the meat and the cheese. I said out loud how embarrassed I was, to explain the tears, and at this point I probably look like a crazy lady.  Foot in mouth syndrome is the rare disease I sometimes carry.

 Now it was a scene. Ladies and gentlemen, if you will turn to the self check out line, there is a woman in tears and a cashier ringing her groceries for her, the machine has taken over. Now out of the corner of my eye, there is a mom holding money out to me and insisting that I take it, because its the "holidays", her kids have "more then enough". A swirling scene of self-conscious hell hit me like a wave. "The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference", what was that saying? I took the bills, and thanked her. It was a feeling of defeat. Somehow I had failed. Somehow I had become a charity case in the QFC. Sometimes humility looks like defeat.

 The clerk reassured me that I didn't need to be embarrassed. He told me about the one bedroom apartment he lived in, 40 min away, across the city- and how much it cost. We lamented about the high cost of rent in Seattle, and talked liked old friends. The woman came back over to me and made sure I had enough to check out. I thanked her, gave her a hug, and searched for excuses and reasons to tell a stranger why I needed help. I left the store with my head down. I felt ashamed but grateful.

  I have no courage to pray. It's not hard to see why. I'm afraid to ask for help. Dare I say there are many of us who are? In our self-reliant, anti co-dependent society, we are taught to fend for ourselves. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. Asking for wisdom was saying, sometimes I don't have any. I prayed for wisdom and God gave me the wisdom to pray.

 I got home, fell over my hastily loaded grocery bags, one breaking, and poured the story out to my husband where I teared up all over again. I received my second hug in an hour.I smeared my Skippy peanut butter on my plain white bread with preservatives I couldn't pronounce, and ate it with contentment and humility. Sometimes wisdom is receiving, A slice of humble pie was not the way I intended to start the holiday season.

  "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." -The book of James

 "I sometimes do believe and sometimes do not:As those that fear they hope, and know they fear". Shakespear